While we served in two different branches and only a few years apart, it seems we lived some similar tales and lived to keep mum and have those mumsey tales go on to eat a hole in us – that latter part is where the survival skills really kick in. So it goes. We took the oath, we get eaten.

Congratulations on sobriety, a strong relationship, and keeping the arsenal out of easy reach. Like you, I am going the rounds with the VA. In fact I won’t open a letter from the VA unless my wife is home. I find meaning in faith, relationships, my teaching, writing, and even this website. We should always be developing vectors of additional meaning – thinks me.

Your idea for a support group of former Officers is a good one. I’ve never heard of one. Many of us are physically unable to talk or write about it: after all, we swore, and signed, we never would.

My own thoughts would be many of us would be leery about having the VA run such a group. Rightly or wrongly, many vets would not break surface if they thought it was a government sponsored activity. That all said, the VA could be a good place to publicize such a group.

Former officers who are dealing with or surviving PTSD can be a tough group to reach, especially if they had what I call the Cosmic-Attaboy clearances, etc. Most of us have since submerged pretty deep so as not to offer that silhouette against the horizon line.

Yahoo Groups would probably be a good place to run such a group. I believe it is free and it could gated.

If you would like to go deeper on this, drop me a line at the email address I have on the “Contact” page. Your idea is excellent: it can help people heal, find meaning, and can save lives. Realizing we are not alone is life-saving. Even if we don’t go further on this, drop me an email, I am sure we can find topics of mutual interest.
Semper Pax, Dr. Z

Like yourself, I too am a former officer who has been diagnosed with PTSD.
I was raised in a very affluent community in Northern California, and unlike my classmates, supported the war in Vietnam, and subsequently went on to ROTC and a commission as an Officer in the Marine Corps. Like yourself, I was a Special Weapons Officer in the Corps, as well as a Cryptographic Security and Classified Documents custodian. Had a clearance three notches above Top Secret, and like yourself had some “interesting experiences”. It was one of the reasons why I cut my military career short after only 8 years. I left a very disillusioned and embittered man, who to this day doesn’t believe anything this Goverment says until it has been officially denied.

But afterward, back in the civilian world, I found it was impossible to get on with people. Got into verbal altercations with co-workers, freinds, and family, as well as sudden rage attacks that came out of nowhere. For many years I just could not understand why. After going to a private therapist, I found out to my shock that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Being in that world of intelligence, and with the secrets that one must keep, even if they trouble one’s conscience, makes one pay a heavy personal price.

Of course the VA did nothing to help, as they kept insisting that my disability was not service related. I’m still going the rounds with them, but as a rule I never do trust anyone on the Government payroll. In the meantime, I have been forced to deal with this using my own resources.

After 26 years and 21 jobs later, I have gotten my life back into some form of normalcy. Been together for the last twelve years with a cute lady from Switzerland who also happens to be an Officer’s daughter- fate! Also doing caregiving work for elderly people and creating fine art ( Prehistoric, Fantasy and Military subjects.). 12 years sober from Alcohol and hard drugs, gave my firearms arsenal to my brother, and do my best to be the Officer and Gentleman that it did not take an act of Congress for me to be.

Here’s the reason why I am sending this rather verbose message. I am looking to put together a support group of former Officers who have been diagnosed with PTSD, and can find practically nothing about it anywhere, even on the net and other veteran-related websites. And there is indeed a reason for this. For those who are or have been Officers, one pays a heavy personal price for admitting to having PTSD. Simply put- it is a career killer, both in the military and civilian world. I am thinking about perhaps doing this with some other veterans group and not the VA, because every time the Government gets involved, things always go to blazes. Do you have any suggesstions about who I may be able to make contact with about this, and what resources I may be able to use?

And thank you again for this website. Even though I may not agree with everything said here, it is refreshing to find that I am indeed not alone.

Regards,
John F.
1st Lieutenant USMC
1977-1985

I can say this with confidence because while you have had nightmares and difficulty praying, you still desire to pray. Consider that the very act of desiring to know God, desiring to pray, is a prayer in and of itself. You may not pray in the traditional ways, but the desire for prayer, is a prayer. Your desire to improve your relationships and be there for others is also a proof that you have not failed in your faith. The desire to be there for your family is a living out of the will of God is also a form of prayer.

Do not lose heart. You have shown tremendous courage. The road has been hard and probably remains hard. But you do not have to despair. The fact that you seek solace and desire God and your family places you more firmly in God’s love than many people I know who blithely assume they are terrific and religious.

Your life has value. I will keep you in prayer. Semper Pax, Dr. Z

In my experience, we all share the same soul wound in our PTSD, regardless of how we were wounded. Whether the wounds are from military service, child abuse, clergy abuse, accidents, and so on, regardless, we share the wound and we share the value of our lives. And, most of all, we share the love of God who made us inherently valuable.

I will be e-mailing you later today. Semper Pax, Dr. Z

How do you let go of these memories when the physical sensations of fear manifest without warning? Are there other people you talk to who deal with PTSD unrelated to military experience?

I would like to talk to you if you have the time. Thank you for what you have given for our country. There are many people who do recognize that it was and continues to be a sacrifice of the person you might have been had you not seen what you saw, felt what you felt and had to do what you did.

Respectfully, Deborah

I am a believer in radical forgiveness as long as one is not placing themselves at physical risk (in that case we still forgive, but at a safe distance). You have been grievously wounded by the effects of PTSD and it will take much prayer and hope to keep seeing the good in others. It is hard, but with grace, it can be done. Forgiveness and restoration are always possible.

Do know that the situation is not hopeless. People can heal from the worst of PTSD. I don’t think it has to take 23 years as it did in my case as we now know more about it and spouses are better prepared to deal with it. That, of course, does not make it easier to deal with, but do know that one does not have to give up hope.
Semper Pax, Dr. Z

Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience with all of us. My husband is an OEF/OIF Veteran with 2 years of combat experience. His PTSD impairs normal relationships and has been challenging for our home life since his physical return 5 years ago.

2 years ago, his alcoholism, reckless thrill seeking behaviors including fast motor cycle riding that nearly cost him his life, crossed over into infidelity, ironically with a friend of ours while her husband was deployed. I was both nursing and pregnant at the time and his sought after feeling of false aliveness nearly cost all 4 of us dearly.

I have always believed my love for him to be unconditional but this has been tested as I struggle to heal from the betrayal of infidelity.

Thank you for addressing this issue and allowing me to understand why he would act out the way that he did. I thank you for your service and admire your continued contributions as you guide others through the insurmountable mind field PTSD presents us.